It’s coming…and it will bring relief, at least temporarily. You know what it is: the U.S. general election on November 3, 2020. Until we get there, we have to survive the electioneering. You know what that is like: endless robocalls, a plethora of media advertising, pundits jabbering and nodding their heads like possessed bobbleheads, and a profusion of arguments on social media among people who really used to be friends. It could be argued that the electioneering never ended after the disastrous election of 2016 in which the worst candidate won.
Fair point, really. Maybe it didn’t actually end. Still, there has been a bit of a lull and things are about to ramp up again, especially as the conventions draw near for the two major parties. So, how do we survive the electioneering? Here’s my shortlist of things I’m considering.
Send myself to Canada
Seriously. I could call FedEx for pickup of an overnight delivery, quickly box myself up, and hang out inside the box watching my favorite Canada tutorial, The Red Green Show downloaded to my phone. It ran for 15 seasons so there should be plenty to keep me occupied while I wait to be delivered to one of my very surprised Canadian friends. (Jeff Logan, are you reading this?)
Of course, in the good ole days, before the United States became the Coronavirus Global Leper Colony, I would have just driven to Canada, flown, or taken a train. Nope. Can’t do that so easily now. Besides, the most direct route to Canada is through New York State but Marylanders have now been put on a quarantine list in New York. We show up, we’ve got to be quarantined for 14 days before we can engage with any actual New Yorkers. (But can we use the rest areas?)
That’s it then, eh? (Practicing my Canadian.) The only option is to FedEx myself to Canada. Care to join me? If you need further convincing that Canada is a great place to be, pandemic or not, take a look at the video below.
Follow traditional media delivered only in languages I do not understand
This idea leverages the “advantage” of American arrogance which downplays the value of learning any language other than English, also known as ‘Merican!, and of course “‘Merican!” it is always spelled with an exclamation point.
Finally, there really is an advantage! Because of my linguistic ignorance, I have a wide selection of media outlets featuring news and programs I cannot understand. I have to be careful with the BBC and CBC, though, because I usually can understand them pretty well, if I keep Google Translate handy. I also have to be somewhat careful of Univision or Telemundo because, by linguistic osmosis, I have picked up a little bit of Spanish from Clemencia. She assures me I have only enough to be dangerous which is all the more reason to avoid Spanish language news outlets. I could badly misunderstand something I hear and end up doing something more stupid than usual.
Fortunately, we also have a lot of media here in the DC area that features Asian and Middle Eastern language news and programming. I should have no problem finding media in a language I can’t understand.
Live under my bed until it’s all over
I can’t go anywhere anyway so I think I could make the space under our bed pretty comfortable. With the mattress above me and pillows stuffed around me, sounds would be muffled during the day. Any excess media noise would probably just sound like mumbling.
Living under the bed by day, I would become nocturnal. I could crawl out from under the bed at night to eat, shower, use the bathroom, and even get some work done. The media noise would be a bit less in the middle of the night…especially if I stayed off Twitter before Trump went to sleep…if he sleeps. The downside is that I would fear turning into a cockroach.
Wear a Handmaid’s Tale hat with ear protection
The iconic hat from Hulu’s The Handmaid’s Tale would work really well to keep my eyes focused on the the things right in front of me. This would make it a bit more difficult to get distracted by the electioneering advertising. The outfit is easy enough to get. All I have to do is go to Target and for $29.99, I’ve got the hat and the dress.
Then, add to that some stylish ear protection, and voila! It’s the perfect Fall look to get me through the worst of the electioneering season.
It could work, you know. I mean, I’ve had great success with the aluminum foil hat I’ve been wearing for years to protect me from Government mind control through radio waves.
Speaking of The Handmaid’s Tale, the new Season 4 trailer is out. Take a look.
Lean into it
Failing all else, I could just lean into the electioneering and do it myself. I could come out in support of a candidate and then vigorously campaign for that person. Of all of the possibilities, this is the one that seems to be most participatory for our democracy. Ethically it also seems the right thing to do as well. As partisan as things have become, it is not without risk.
Stay tuned…I’ll be making my choice by Labor Day, which, in the U.S. during a Presidential election year, is the “official” start of the campaign season. When it comes, I’ll be ready.