Saturday, May 16, 2020 – Live to Blog from the Deck with Argumentative Socks
Okay, new HVAC system installed. The house is quiet again. Everything is working just fine. I awakened to a beautiful day, went to the deck, and then it happened.
The Sock Rebellion – Part 2
As you know, Bert Left and Ernie Right are retired each night to our deck. They are gently hung up on the back of my Amish Made Poly Adirondack chair to dry and air out. I’m surprised at how many readers inquire about Bert and Ernie’s well being. In fact, they are doing very well given they are being worn daily and are still unwashed for 62 days. I’m rather surprised. In fact they may be holding up better than me and I am washed daily.
The downside of this great unwashed experiment is that Bert and Ernie have become increasingly belligerent and irascible. A couple of weeks ago they wanted to get away from the house. I had to put my foot down and tell them no. Today I ran into more trouble with them when I went out to the deck to retrieve them to start the day with me.
- Bert: Hey bonehead. What are you doing?
- Me: Me? I’m doing the same thing I have done every day for 61 days. I’m coming out to get you, put you on, and go work.
- Ernie: Yeah? Well, we ain’t budgin’.
- Bert: Yeah, that’s right. We ain’t goin’ nowhere.
- Me: Wait a minute…two weeks ago you two were trying to bully me into taking you out of the house for a movie or dinner, or something like that.
- Bert: So what, bonehead? We can do whatever we like. And now, we ain’t budgin’.
- Ernie: Yeah. We ain’t budgin’. Nope.
- Me: Look guys, what’s going on here? You’ve never had a problem being moved from the deck until now.
- Ernie: Well, bonehead, that’s cause it hasn’t been warm and sunny until now. Did you know the sun was out yesterday and it got to be about 90 degrees?
- Bert: Yeah, man, that felt so good! And today it’s going to be in the 80’s!
- Ernie: Look, I’ve already started to get a tan.
- Me: Socks don’t tan.
- Ernie: Who says, bonehead? That’s a tan line if I ever saw one.
- Me: No, it’s not. It’s a dirt line. It’s right at the point where the top of my shoe comes up on you.
- Ernie: I’m not going to argue with you, bonehead. I know it’s a tan line and I know you’re stupid.
- Me: Look, Ernie…and Bert…I’m getting tired of your complaining and your calling me names.
- Bert: Really bonehead? Isn’t that your name? (Ernie laughs outloud.)
- Me: Bert, you know it isn’t. Come on, guys, be more civil, will you? We’ve got too much incivility in our world right now.
- Ernie: Whoaa! Fancy word, bonehead! “Incivility,” I like that!
- Me: Apparently you do. In fact, I’ve never known socks to be so incivil.
- Bert: Well, thank you very much, bonehead! We appreciate that!
- Me: I need you two to come off the chair now and get to work.
- Bert: Why? Are we going somewhere today?
- Me: No, of course not. We still have to shelter-in-place.
- Ernie: So then what’s the hurry? You ain’t goin’ nowhere. And we ain’t done soakin’ up the rays, man.
- Bert: Yeah, we’re still chillin’. Hey, Ernie, what did I do with my sunglasses?
- Ernie: They’re already on your face, dummy!
- Bert: Oh, yeah, how’d I miss that? Okay, ready to sing?
- Ernie: Count us in, Bert!
- Bert: One, two…one, two, three, four…
- Bert & Ernie: “I wear my sunglasses at night, So I can…“
Some days it just isn’t worth the fight. So I closed the door to the deck, went to my closet, and got out a pair of sandals. It’s supposed to rain tonight. I think they can just stay on the deck! Ha!
Driver’s Ed with Boomer
Earlier this week I introduced you to my brother-in-law, Boomer. In that earlier story you learned that he was a biker, a street fighter, and a father figure to me. In addition to his bike, he loved fast cars. He had a 1968 Plymouth Road Runner that he would drag race (if you are only familiar with RuPaul’s Drag Race, you may wish to look this one up). Boomer’s car was no longer “stock.” It had been upgraded to make it go even faster and look even better.
The Plymouth Road Runner was named after the famous Warner Brother’s cartoon character and its horn would make the character’s “Beep-beep” sound rather than the usual blaring car horn sound. I always liked that feature!
Shortly after I got my learner’s permit, Boomer let me drive his Road Runner. At that time in Iowa you got your learner’s permit at age 14. I got in the driver’s side and he, of course, rode in the passenger’s side. Though seatbelts were now mandatory in all vehicles by that time, Boomer refused to wear one. I waited for him to buckle up, like my driver’s instruction manual said I should, but he didn’t. When I asked why he wouldn’t buckle up he replied, rather loudly with at least one swear word, “Why should I do that? I pay taxes! If I’m in a wreck, the ambulance drivers need to come find me. I’m not going to make their jobs easy by strapping myself in!” Boomer was a fount of such irrefutable logic.
By the time I drove the mile to the edge of town I was so nervous I was already sweating through my tee shirt and sticking to the vinyl seat. As we pulled up to the stop sign near the Shell station, Boomer said, “Let’s go West on 78 and see what you can do.” So I turned right onto the highway. State Highway 78 is a two-lane highway that goes over rolling hills with only a few curves. (Yes, much of Iowa is actually rolling hills, not flat prairie like Nebraska.)
Having successfully made the turn and started down the highway, I was careful to observe the speed limit. After a minute at about 60 miles per hour, Boomer, apparently bored with the slow pace, swore again and said, “I said let’s see what you can do. Open it up!” So I began to press the acclerator down.
The speedometer (which registered all the way up to 155 miles per hour) slowly climbed…70…75..80…90…I was really beginning to sweat now. I glanced over at Boomer. He nodded and said, “Keep goin’.”
95…100…110…I glanced over again as my heart pounded. He said, “Yeah, that’s right. Go on!”
115…120…125…and on the next hill I felt the car begin to come off the ground as we topped it. I couldn’t take it anymore. Plus I was scared of what Boomer would do if my frightened bladder gave way on his car seat.
I let up on the gas and when I did I heard a string of expletives come out of Boomer’s mouth and then this assessment, “Oh my god, I could crawl faster than that!”
SCTV’s Take on Perry Como
Perry Como was a crooner whose career spanned seven decades. He was known for his beautiful, smooth baritone voice. If you have never heard of him or heard his voice, it worth listening to his rendition of “And I Love You So.” Once it starts to play, you may remember it. His longevity inspired SCTV to create this interesting “tribute” to him. It is one of my favorite sketch’s from the SCTV archives. Eugene Levy, most recently of Schitt’s Creek fame, plays Como in this sketch.
The Adventures of Chickenman
In Episode 31 the Police Commissioner breaks the news to Midland City of Chickenman’s accident with the Chicken Dissolver.
Stay safe, be well, keep calm, keep washing your hands, keep wearing your mask, and keep avoiding arguments with incivil, irascible socks…and the people in them.